Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Funny Thing For This Week


Hello everyone.....today I would like to discuss the art of dieting and exercise. Ah.....losing weight...so worth it...(in the end) #1 dieting....you wake up in the morning and say.."I am not eating anything today......" yeah right. Until it rolls around to lunch time....and instead of having the wonderful steak you made yesterday........you little voice says....."eat it!!!....eat it." On the other hand...."no! what about my weight loss commitment?" UUUUUGGGHHHHH!! "Is there no mercy????!!!????" #2 Exercise..........you have all the equipment ready...including a video. You put in the video and a perky and annoyingly perfect woman comes on and says...."are you ready?"....... You're thinking......"Well, she's gonna get annoying really quick." She continues........."OK......lay on your side on your mat and lift your right leg over your head. OK.......so what shes really saying......"lay down on the rock hard floor, and attempt to lift your right leg up that you can't even see over your Mount Everest love handle. #3 Continuing the exercise video............ After the longest 30 grueling minutes of leg lifting..(well at least leg collapsing) the woman on the video is perfect.....her hair hasn't moved....there's not a drop of sweat anywhere, and she's breathing regularly. However your hair looks like you got electrocuted, you are absolutely sopping wet, like you have just come in from a monsoon, and you are using inhaler's and paper bags just to get breathing again. #4......After your horrible day of exercise....its dinner time!!! Oh boy there is nothing like a succulent, juicy, flavorful, delightful, .................................celery stick. #5 The next day....it starts all over again...the annoying woman, absolutely no food to speak of......and the flies dieing from being around you.........a friend comes over for dinner and brings candy, cookies, and a three course meal. "I can't what about all that I've done.." and you look at the food....."eat....food......MUST EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You tackle your friend to the floor grab all of the food and absolutely scarf it down! "What about your diet?" she asks. "I'll start on Monday." Thank you.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Funny Thing For This Week

Hello everyone, I am now going to discuss a pressing subject in my life at the moment. The common cold. Ah.....don't you just love being sick.......#1 You feel it coming on so, you take every medicine ever invented. And not one of them works. #2 When you are congested..................you buy the store out of tissues and hankies and ask them when they are going to restock . #3 Whoever invented cough medicine should be drug out in the street and shot...........although they probably coughed to death because it didn't work. (Sorry, had a bad night last night.) #4 When you feel so dizzy, you sit up in the morning and feel a little better......and then you stand up.....and I guess the altitude was different from the bed to when you stood, you collapse flat on your face......and fall asleep. #5 When you are so tired that you get up in the morning, remember you're sick and give up on living and throw the covers over your head. #6 When you are all of these things at the same time..............you wake up in the morning, and forget who you are for an hour........when you cough and feel like you are one more cough from absolutely going out of your mind.........when you are so dizzy you look down the staircase and which of the three that you're seeing is actually stairs....(geronimo!) And finally, when you are so congested you breath out of your mouth all the time and people ask you......"hey I know...a fish right?!?"



-Thank you.